Dreamstate

It’s as if some part of me died and in trying to bring that back I became more childlike and...

Mon, 20 Aug 2012 11:11:28 +0900

It’s as if some part of me died and in trying to bring that back I became more childlike and started living in the moment more…a good thing, but I stopped taking responsibility for my actions or in this case more my inaction. I should be looking for a job now. I should’ve earlier, I became too complacent, too comfortable… I must get back on the ball with this shit, take responsibility for my life and where I’m heading…

Last few nights I dreamt of you.

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 19:22:00 +0900

Last few nights I dreamt of you.

It’s not like I’m trying to hang on, but I still have a lot of emotions attached to you,...

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 19:21:17 +0900

It’s not like I’m trying to hang on, but I still have a lot of emotions attached to you, which still triggers thoughts of you.

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Sun, 01 Apr 2012 00:14:39 +0900

According to Sartre, we are incapable of developing reasonable or real opinions of ourselvers via...

Sat, 31 Mar 2012 23:08:48 +0900

According to Sartre, we are incapable of developing reasonable or real opinions of ourselvers via ourselves. So how do we derive our opinions of ourselves? Via others. If we think highly of ourselves and if the feeling is genuine, we probably got that opinion via the adulation or respect of others at some point. Or at some point, we managed to achieve some major successes in life. These successes were acknowledged by others in various ways. I assume that people who think poorly of themselves have gotten these views from others too.

We do have choices. For instance, I have a bit of an ego, but if I wanted to hate myself, I could do that too. How? Just look around. There are people now, and people in the past, who despise and despised me, for all sorts of reasons. I’ve figured out that there is not much I can do about this. On the other hand, since I’m a bit of an egotist, I have not assimilated the view of these folks that I am some of kind of scum of the Earth, most evil person on Earth. I simply reject that.

I also freely acknowledge that my egotism derives in part from the respect and adulation I acquired at another period in life when I was quite successful in a number of ways. So my egotism doesn’t really come from me. It comes from others.

You’re welcome to disagree and think that we are capable of hallucinating real opinions of ourselves out of thin air, but Sartre disagrees. I would add that one can indeed manufacture opinions about oneself, but I don’t think that they are real or genuine. For instance, the narcissist seems to do this.

On the other hand, because his narcissism is rooted in fantasy and not the real adulation of others, it is highly unstable, extremely exaggerated and prone to severe crashes and breakdowns during times of stress when the narcissist, the greatest person on Earth, suddenly become the lowest human that ever lived.

On the other hand, according to Sartre, we want to be our own masters, yet we cannot be. We are doomed to need others, whether we want to or not. This is the “no exit.” It’s also the “Hell is other people.” We are doomed to require respect and even adulation from others. We long to free ourselves from this addiction, but we cannot. We are trapped.

I agree with this. What do people really want? They want to be liked, admired, respected, even treated with adulation. I would argue that almost all healthy people want this. There are extroverts who always jump all over us introverts saying, “Why do you care what other people think? I don’t care what anyone thinks!” This is one of the lies that people go around telling themselves. They want to believe that they are their own masters and that they are not addicted to feel-good snacks from other humans.

However, what if one of those extroverts who says this would wake up one day and find that everyone hated them? All of their friends and loved ones have abandoned them. They go outside and people spit at them and curse them. I figure they would go home and kill themselves. Seriously. So you see, even those folks who insist, “I don’t care what anyone thinks of me!” are completely wrong. They do care; they care so much.

However, this addiction of ours is frustrating. Other people let me down. Maybe I expect too much of them. So I avoid going places I ought to go to. I get there after a while, but I tend to put it off a bit. Why, because I fear being humiliated or embarrassed? No. Because I think it’s going to be a drag, and I hate drags. I was told that that’s life and to get over it and take risks. I’m sure there is truth to that.

However, according to Sartre, my dilemma, that others are often letting me down and not treating me how I wish to be treated, is actually the human dilemma of all of us. This is the lesson of “No Exit.” We are addicted to this continuous praise and admiration, or at least respect, of others, but too often we just don’t get it, or we don’t get it the way that we want to get it. Most of all, we want people to love, respect and admire us for ourselves and only for ourselves.

However, in an insanely competitive capitalistic society, what respect, admiration and whatnot we receive is often due to what we can give others or what others can get from us or out of us, not for what we are deep down inside.

Like it or not, others are out to use us in one way or another. If you don’t believe that’s true, watch what happens to a poor person who wins the lottery. Your boss uses you for your work, so he can make money off you. If you are male, women and others befriend and love you or not based on your income, your power, your possessions, your achievements, your stature, your insincere appearance, or your ability to bullshit about like a social actor.

How many people are really interested in befriending us or loving us just because we are great people deep down inside? Not as many as we would like. But this is what we long for. We resent that people only respect, befriend or love us based on superficial crap, ignoring our inner awesomeness. It’s a constant source of frustration, an existential dilemma. It’s the meaning of “Hell is other people.”

Imagine a world where you respect, befriend and love others not for their money, status, power, achievements, possessions, and superficial looks or winning personalities. Imagine a world we we respect, befriend and love others and vice versa purely for their inner greatness and not for any other reason. I believe that this is the world that Sartre wants us to imagine.

Taken with instagram

Sun, 25 Mar 2012 08:35:06 +0900

Taken with instagram

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Sat, 24 Mar 2012 17:31:10 +0900

Woah, wait, is that Audrey?

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 17:30:38 +0900

Woah, wait, is that Audrey?

Come the evening of my days The dark birds in the trees and in her garden I think I’ll be there...

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 17:18:22 +0900

Come the evening of my days
The dark birds in the trees and in her garden
I think I’ll be there somewhere too
The yarrow by my head where I have fallen

And she will lick her thinner thumb
And ringless finger too, and douse a candle
And though she never gave a thing
The way she said my name, we’ll be together

When autumn comes, she’ll be there
Jasmine still in her hair
Her tea leaves dry by the sea

Many men behind her door
Have heard the bathtub run and longed to love her
And though she doesn’t wait for me
We never ask the time when we’re together

What the hell is wrong with me? I still find myself thinking of her, hoping that she thinks of me...

Fri, 23 Mar 2012 07:53:16 +0900

What the hell is wrong with me? I still find myself thinking of her, hoping that she thinks of me still… Hoping she will come around someday. Yet knowing that she probably doesn’t think of me anymore, even if or when she does, does she think of me in a good way or bad way, all the while knowing that it’s all useless and so I try to forget and forget I do until she comes back to mind.

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Thu, 22 Mar 2012 21:51:10 +0900

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Thu, 22 Mar 2012 20:52:59 +0900

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Thu, 22 Mar 2012 20:51:35 +0900

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Thu, 22 Mar 2012 20:50:31 +0900

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Thu, 22 Mar 2012 20:50:11 +0900

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Thu, 22 Mar 2012 20:48:35 +0900

THIS is what I felt for a loong time. I’m starting to...

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 20:47:16 +0900

THIS is what I felt for a loong time.

I’m starting to think that falling in love is or should be a celebration of our completeness, if you don’t think or feel that you are complete in yourself and that you need another to complete you, you are not capable or worthy of real love…

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Thu, 22 Mar 2012 20:35:23 +0900

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Thu, 22 Mar 2012 20:35:10 +0900

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Thu, 22 Mar 2012 20:31:30 +0900